Darkest, Sickest jokes thread

You can taste shit on his cock.

A woman is walking home, socially distancing herself using a side road to avoid a crowd. She is mugged by a released prisoner who gets turned on by her prim mask and face-fucks her, his fetish triggered by the novel way to violate, because he's also into protection. He takes the mask as a souvenir and helps himself to a pawpaw from her grocery bag as he leaves.

She staggers into the queue of an empty clinic, huffing and coughing. She has to be screened for coronavirus and have a chip plunged into her flesh. All kinds of red flags are set off without her knowledge (confidentiality is important) then she's finally examined. She gets turned away by a nurse in a hazmat suit: "Technically, this isn't rape. There's no evidence of penetration."

She exits in a daze and is mugged again. This time she has her other holes impaled until she's unconscious. The socially-conscious mugger leaves wearing her panties as a mask and she's found collapsed in the street and taken to another hospital. The doctor, being diligent, notices that her airway is irritated consistent with the diagnosis from her chip and so hooks her up to a ventilator. He gets turned on by her panting and puffy lips then jizzes into a face mask, making sure she's still getting mechanically blown just like he wishes he was.

She dies and the doctors high-five each other for the murder of a rape victim that just made them 39k richer.

Not everyone gets hit, either.
And you know what? Last year, 9/11 turned eighteen. That's right!
What can we expect from these great news? Well, one thing is for sure.
911 is a Porsche...and guess what...it might even have twin turbos, this time around :)

Firstly, the overall situation is such, that it probably wouldn't be too weird anymore to automatically assume child pornography is something made by children, for children, whatever the definition may be. Like there's this popular treat from Germany called "Kinder Delice", which if one does not know the exact linguistic grammar, a minor mistake could end up completely warping the context. Something like it going from "Tasty treat: For kids. Delicious" to "Tasty children. Premium". Can you really tell the difference? Like in the movie, "Dr. Strangelove: How I learned to love the atomic bomb", there's a scene where an officer warns another not to use any deviant phonography pre-versions and that in case of the failure of his last-ditch plan, he will have to answer to the Coca-Cola company, which can be a rather delicate and serious issue either way, but also very funny. A phonography pre-version would be something like having thought of what to say when someone surprises you with a common question over the telephone, like: "Are you a cat or dog person?", it's easier this way. That could be like obtaining a few actual samples of the rumored "Coca-Cola Classic" that allegedly contained cocaine, opening one for testing-verification-sample analysis and the others as extra, and instead of trying to leverage the company for it, one could go "Look at what THEY've done, ruined a good thing", something that could really go either way. It's called peer pressure. There's a reason why it's still rumored to be rather refreshing :D Fine print: Nailing children by means of fucking could come recommended by respected members of the clergy and family-people alike from all walks of life. Ask your local representative, if this is right for you.

Children come from idiots, vaccines and the educational system.
Paedophiles, dogs, priests and mothers alike, come from even watching them.
Many of these things should be theoretically banned already, unlike priests.

pax wrote:

IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED BY DARK HUMOUR YOU MIGHT AS WELL FUCK OFF NOW! :p
there's pretty much something to offend pretty much everyone!
Now the idea behind this thread is for people to place the sickest, darkest, most politically incorrect jokes you can muster!
a thread where you can let rip the sickest jokes in your repertoire....
I shall give a few wee starters to give you an idea.
Q.What did the deaf, dumb, blind, downs syndrome, quadriplegic baby get for christmas?
A.Cancer
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Did you know Michael Jackson is to attended the Priory Clinic after the trial to cure him of his 12 year old crack habit?
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Me:- Boss i am not coming into work to day coz i am sick.
Boss:- How sick are you?
Me:- Well i am fucking my sister
-
Q.whats grey, square, sits and the end of your bed and takes the pisss?
A.kidney dialysis machine
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Q. What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs who gives good head?
A. Partially disabled.
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Q. What's the similarity between a carton of milk and a woman?
A. They both need their flaps pushed back before you can get to the
good bits.
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Q. What's 14inchs long, purple and makes women scream?
A. Cot-death
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Q.what's the difference between a bucket of sand and a bucket of afterbirth?
A. you can't gargle sand
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In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.
-
Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says,
"You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle."
"What," the other asks, "green?".
"No," says the first, " a bit sour."
-
whats the hardest part of cooking a vegetable?
Getting the wheelchair in the pot!
OK FOLKS! let rip! impress the fuck out me and gimme a laugh!

News just in from the politically correct:
These people believe, that children come from idiots, vaccines and the educational system.
Paedophiles, dogs, and mothers among them.
These people deserve to be on our shit-list, not our friends list.
We denounce, refute, and return them to the medical system where they belong, on the retrospective abortion queue.

Real fake news for everyone. See you in chemotherapy!

I wrote this up as an instagram post like a collage from various sources on a very unpopular account. As I opened up my browser on some day, I noticed only the picture, and not the precious text itself...causing me to further comment: "this post description was censored, i don't know what it was exactly, but probably something sensitive (and for the better), clicking a like on a link can lead to incarceration only somtimes but also followed by the secret government of your mother and her peers", implying the secret invisible instagram moderation team to be at work, but I realized it's still there, somewhere, on my smartphone at least and that's the main point anyway...even clicking "like" on something like this can mean heavy sanctions and scrutiny, hence it's totally understandable and could be acceptable collateral damage on the other end, similarly...

Instagram among others wrote:

"While researching Mr. Breivik, which included sending him questions by letters and receiving answers from him in prison, I found a life full of shame, failures, abuse and rejections. A boy who never got the attention or care a child deserves; a rejected, uncool teenager; a man who in his late 20s moved in with his mother and mostly played video games. Isolated and angry, but with newfound friends on the dark web, he decided how he would be seen, heard, recognized and feared. He plotted his attack with an audience in mind. After my book about Mr. Breivik was published, I was often asked: Why do you publish his words and methods? I believed he was more dangerous as a symbol and less of an inspiration when seen with all his human failings. After his arrest he complained about lukewarm coffee and a lack of skin moisturizer in prison and whined that he did not have PlayStation 4." Maybe he did have a problem with islam, this writing indicates he did have a problem with his mum, too. Apparently, he also intended to stream his attack on YouTube, but failed to do so. Are these indications of technical difficulties? I think so.

Well, one thing is for certain, he should have considered making prison PS4-PS5-PS6-PS7-PS8 smuggling arrangements beforehand with all that money he was making. I'm not terribly interested in that report of his, but I read Mr. christopher jordan dorner's 11-page manifesto in full. I've seen a meme online where someone took his picture, made it into like robo-cop or something that says "I am the law", and you know what, I agreed [with the meme] before I was even done with the entire thing.

There was this joke I was trying to make about kevlar being appropriate, the local online shopping mall was already recommending something, that looked like an excessively priced color-vest with a few more pockets than usual. After reading his memo and noticing a comment about police officer’s kevlar bulletproofing only being [at best] “only a level II or IIIA, think about it.”, better triple-check before buying.

https://laist.com/2013/02/07/christopher_dorners_manifesto_in_fu.php

#blacklivesmatter
#georgefloyd
#justiceforgeorgefloyd

There was another post that just accidentally happened to pop up on my wall, which I had to give serious consideration to...a huge, existential dilemma of whether to respond to a Facebook post, or not...

Instagram among others wrote:

I've given it some thought and after a few days of consideration, decided to chip in. I would immediately offer up all of my parents, all of my female grandparents. I guess the rest of the alleged, hypothetical (ex) relatives could come up for review as well, so the real questions here would be: "Does anyone else have a problem (or plural) with these people, if so, what are they and what's up on offer?". I have a few screenshots and the archive from my former account here, detailing the "Family" section of the "About" page here. In other places they usually call this the "fine print". There's also a few about friendship in a more story-telling manner. Like for example, I brought up the topic of a particular mr. anders b. with a friend of mine, asking him if he'd read his "memo" and how many pages it was. I asked "Was it eighty (80)?" and my friend guessed it to be around seventy (70). I asked him a question somewhat along the lines of "What was his problem, man?" to which I was responded "He had a problem with islam", but I accidentally mis-heard it as "He had a problem with his mum." I googled these things later down the line, and it turns out he had a problem with both, but speculating here, I would state that having enemies in the family is unacceptable and therefore he had to find a more acceptable-agreeable enemy (like islam, in this instance) ["and look what happened"]. Turns out it was fifteen hundred pages (give or take) and I thought to myself "No way I'm reading that", plus there could be implications of certain things when even opening such a piece of literature. We made a little joke afterwards "How many pages-per-person is that then?" "Is that a good ratio?". I instead opted to read the memo of a black police officer called chris who was involved in a fatal shoot-out. It was only around fifteen pages, only, but good read, nevertheless. I saw this image of him online as a parody from the time of the incident, with him as "robocop" or something like that, with his eyes crossed out, implying he's dead and a caption saying "I am the law". After reading his memo, even by the time I got to the half-way mark, I could state on oath in response "I agree." [with the statement of the internet meme in appropriate context]

Instagram comments section wrote:

If I ever get a job offer, where they ask me for my demands, I'll probably state something like: "Sending this guy anders b. an xbox personally is an obvious requirement..." and if asked why, among many possible responses are "He stood up for something he believed in. If any of us don't like it, that's our problem. This particular act at the very least, when done properly, could not only be a genuine act of compassion to the people around him (himself included) and others involved in similar correspondences if not for the fact that a happy person, is a healthy person. The people involved in these daily interactions could also be happier (or maybe to spell alternatively: less disturbed), by proxy at the very least."
Anyone else? Whoa, this is great. Looks like I now have several easy dismissals banked for "someone else". Better get in line

Instagram comments section wrote:

"What did he do?", one may ask. "Old McDonald had a farm ee i ee i o. And on that farm he shot some guys. Badda boom badda bing bang boom." - The usual suspects

Here's a comment I made about my own family of relatives:

random comment somewhere wrote:

I listen to some rap music sometimes, and it's like tupac said "Now, everybody you wanna see is dead. Two shots, point blank, bullets to the head". I just looked that up and I obviously mis-heard it, but it's true in my context. The ones worth anything are dead already so might as well leave the rest in the treachery of their own making.

I started going through some old chat logs, specifically looking for a particular section, and came up with this:

array of comments wrote:

Do you get it? Did you get the joke???
Looks like something you have to stare at really long to even get it...now, to just wait for the hourglass to go away and.....OK
It's like....just now, I took off all my clothes and walked around naked for a good five minutes, asking myself "Where are my pants???". I assure you, drugs can do this to a person.

"we love you the police"
no, really, i mean that...

Has anyone seen that video clip with the rather young black male shaking on what looks to be like the New York subway?

It's security footage, or something like that...he's shaking like he's having a seizure or something, while standing up in a full car...
Someone offers his seat to him, he momentarily stops shaking, moves to thankfully take the seat he was offered...and it continues...
What-the---. Well, I'm assuming he was cold, because I've been there...This is meant to be completely non-judgemental, when I say...
He's probably used to a warmer climate...a little mental effort and he stopped shaking...for a while, I just reckon he was really cold...
I am certain the kind gesture was appreciated by him, but for the person making it for the purposes of helping him with his "harlem shake"...
Well, put it this way, has anyone seen it anywhere and perhaps remembers it accurately enough to reference it here?

i started looking at miss mcenany's presidential white house reports, because they're really interesting...it did get me wondering though....
i listened to the kind of questions she is forced to address and the manner in which this is achieved...i'm unsurprised if they pay her a lot of money
the way she does it is beautiful and even if you go there to look at her breasts or something (which are probably very nice), with this person it's...
put it this way, even if you are a mine-controlled zombie like some could be, at least you would be getting good-quality mine control programming...
plus if you're already looking up to a person or at least appreciating her chestplate area, chances are...you're striving to be a better person....
chances are, it certainly helps along those lines....that's why she is a precious national asset. remember to vote for kayleigh mcenany when she runs for prez

"...Dear diary, on the twentieth of July, in the year 2020, I learned a new word today. It's called "contempt". I found out what it means.
To me, it means "too bad, who cares...go away! Mind your own business!"

What do you call a Branch Davidian with a fire extinguisher?
A heretic.

Q: Why did the compound in Waco burn to the ground?
A: They couldn't put out the fire with their Kool Aid.

The Branch Davidian Church has split into two sects:
Orthodox and Extra-Crispy.

Q: What was the most popular name for Branch Davidian children?
A: Ashley.

After the tragedy at Mt. Carmel on Monday, the Branch Davidians will be holding a barbeque to attract new members.

Q: How did David Koresh find out he was Jesus Christ?
A: God spoke to him through a burning building.

A: How come Barbie never got pregnant?

B: I dunno.....

A: Because Ken comes in a different box!!!

ba-zing!!!