Der Kummer. Der Selbstmord.

[LivingPharaoh]

In the spirit of helping give others courage on their search for Selfhood, I share with you this blog entry from A Well-Meaning Asshole. I've poured a lot of emotion into this, but I'm sad I did now because the emotions are no longer inside me.... they're on a webpage... lol. Also: Any German speakers know of any better way of expressing the title?

It’s not easy… this Being Human stuff. This searching for resemblance.. Search for enlightenment. However you’ll have it. It’s hard, and times like now I genuinely want to die. My Self-Loathing and ill concern for myself is so intense, I could probably hack out my own teeth, and cut off my own genitals and simply not give a fuck.

I now know these wise words from Nietzsche VERBATIM:
“The Individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privledge of owning your Self.”

I had a dream, after I drifted off into a sleep. I dreamed of a confrontation between my father and siblings and I. No one dared to contradict him. Even open their mouths around him. No one would dare be themselves around him. For he had established the dominance he otherwise wouldn’t have. Dominance built on violence and the threat of violence. I freaked out at him, I yelled something, stuttering it, with the last shred of self-assertion I had left. Something that should kill a normal man. I saw his face, it was as if he had felt pain on a level never before. His lemon-faced hurt was somewhat liberating to me.
This my friends, will never happen in real life. But I guess there’s always hope that one man will see the errors in his ways. No man is an indestructible rock.

I woke up to silence. I so desperately wanted to be held. Even by my father. Held and embraced, as I deserve to do for myself, by anyone… but I was alone. And even, looking to my MSN list - there was no one there. Almost like clockwork. Company is abundant when you’d LIKE to have it and even when you don’t like to have it. But it’s never there when truly needed.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

This year, I am the Scrooge. BAH HUMBUG! Don’t you DARE flash me that fake smile, and say “Merry Christmas”. We all know you’re a miserable fuck. We all know you’re always too busy in your little Persona to enjoy life as it passes. Go fuck your Merry Christmas. Stick it where you got it! And try to fit your ugly piece of shit tree up there too.
Let’s just all admit it… Christmas is the most miserable part of the year (if you look beyond the ocean of fake smiles). It’s the most miserable because we try SO HARD to be happy, but we know we’re not. And it eats away at us. I can only imagine being permanently stuck in that fucked up mindset.

There’s something golden and valuable in pain and suffering…

“To those Human Beings who are of any concern to me I wish suffering, desolation, sickness, ill-treatment, indignities, profound self contempt, the torture of self-mistrust, and the wretchedness of the vanquished.” - Nietzsche