A Message from John Cleese - British comedian

[Midfield.Enforcer]

Here's something I received in my email Inbox this morning. It made me laugh so I thought I'd share it with my fellow ConCen-ers:

A Message from John Cleese - British comedian:

To the citizens of the United States of America: In light of your failure in
recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does
not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Then look up aluminium and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and
'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping
half the letters and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix
'-ise'.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (remember to look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "ya know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without
suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown upenough to
handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts and you will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline)-roughly $8/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are
not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat and
dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer
and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
Lager. South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound
the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer.
They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine" so that
all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper Football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby
- the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you like they regularly thrash
us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket and we will
let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their
deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government
will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due
(backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers,
and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus
strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God save the Queen.

:wink:

peace


M.E

[Guest]

and whats with that bigass flashing *rioting is chic* dumbness sig. you suddenly just put up? L0L maybe you are trying to subliminally say you're tasty now because I had a go at you? L0L. do me a favour, i'll bet you've never been in a demo when the cops kick off ever. haha. another *riot groupie* that's okay I've been that too once.
Casuals?? yeah John Cleese is well casuals! L0L.

[Midfield.Enforcer]

Quote:and whats with that bigass flashing *rioting is chic* dumbness sig. you suddenly just put up? L0L are you trying to say you're subliminally say you're tasty now because I had a go at you? L0L. do me a favour, i'll bet you've never been in a demo when the cops kick off ever. haha. ok, i'll stop now i made my point.:)

Casuals?? yeah John Cleese is well casuals! L0L. a monkey with a knife. what will they think of next. You don't strike me as a tooled up scally kid. In my experience they usually carry screwdrivers anyway not knives - in case they get an s+s from the cops dontyaknow. stop pretending. sorry mate.

ok, I won't go on about it any further;)

lots love

nik

Coincidently I was a Football Casual back in the 80's/90's. I was looking for a sig to put up and that image appealed to me. The sig is more about Adidas sneakers than "rioting is chic". If you are offended in any way by it contact an admin/mod and he can message me regarding it. I'm not sure about the Simpsons monkey avatar so that is just temporary. I will probably change it several times in the next few days until I find one that I'm happy with. Glad to hear your opinions about the pics though - the feedback is helpful. Cheers!!

peace


M.E

[humbug]

PUT DOWN THE SIGN! PUT IT DOWN!

[Guest]

whatever you say brother. to me images of people hooding up and wearing masks or throwing rocking usually signify "rioting" and so another "fashion house" jump on the band wagon of co-opting dissent. I think "diesel" started the trend.

as I say, whatever brother, if you have a penchance for a specific designer brand that's your own perogative.to me it's just more nonsense to keep people asleep. that's my opinion.

I bought some new balance couple years back because I needed sneakers and they state they are sweat shop free. but then realised that only the nazi's over here wear them to signify they are right wing ( because of the N on the side ) like white shoelaces. So that was a bit of a waste of money as I had no interest walking round german people thinking I was trying to say "look i'm with the fascists".:rolleyes:



glad my input was of help;)cheers

[Midfield.Enforcer]

Quote:I bought some new balance couple years back because I needed sneakers and they state they are sweat shop free. but then realised that only the nazi's over here wear them to signify they are right wing ( because of the N on the side ) like white shoelaces. So that was a bit of a waste of money as I had no interest walking round german people thinking I was trying to say "look i'm with the fascists".:rolleyes:

You're kidding? Whatever next? I knew about the "loNSdale" brand being favoured by neo-nazis here but "white shoelaces" is crazy? I have dozens of pairs of tennis shoes (Adidas of course), all with white laces, so I hope no-one thinks that when they see me strolling about. Talking of skinheads, etc I remember an incident in the late 80's in the town I'd just moved to where our crew smashed the local neo-nazis to pieces outside a nightclub. They never (and I mean never) showed their faces around the town again. Now thats what i call time well spent!!! :wink:

peace


M.E

[Guest]

Quote:

Quote:I bought some new balance couple years back because I needed sneakers and they state they are sweat shop free. but then realised that only the nazi's over here wear them to signify they are right wing ( because of the N on the side ) like white shoelaces. So that was a bit of a waste of money as I had no interest walking round german people thinking I was trying to say "look i'm with the fascists".:rolleyes:

You're kidding? Whatever next? I knew about the "loNSdale" brand being favoured by neo-nazis here but "white shoelaces" is crazy? I have dozens of pairs of tennis shoes (Adidas of course), all with white laces, so I hope no-one thinks that when they see me strolling about. Talking of skinheads, etc I remember an incident in the late 80's in the town I'd just moved to where our crew smashed the local neo-nazis to pieces outside a nightclub. They never (and I mean never) showed their faces around the town again. Now thats what i call time well spent!!! :wink:

peace


M.E

I think the white shoelaces thing is particular to east germany/east europe but I could be wrong - it's probably generally well known amongst that scene, I guess.

Yeah, and the anti-fa wear red shoelaces if they are making a point. I think it probably helps them know who's who during a big ruck because over here the so-called red skins ( anti fascist skinheads) don't really look any different from the fascists.

To me it's a joke. Personally, I think that with a lot of the fascists here in east germay, when it comes to the cities at least, they often are just kids that come from poverty are are sold of this bankrupt ideology by the attraction of being part of a crew or gang. Same as kids from the estates in Belfast in the larte 70's unwittingly joining the auxillaries of the IRA as there were no prospects for much of a future due to endemic poverty and plenty of peer pressure besides. It's the same story. Of course, I'm not excusing actual neo-nazis there's some evil fucks out there and I am very glad of the anti-fa for all it's narrow minded militancy on occasion.

I think the left right dichotomy is essentially meaningless and just perpetuates a violent status quo. tit for tat beatings murders and the like. The people who are behind the message the intellectuals who write the propaganda that these youths fall into are the ones who need taking out. and the roid muscled heads too obviously.half the time the core intellectuals are in the pay of the security services anyway (imo).

The left wing here are just as fanatical much of the time in their own way anyway. try debating the any other type of supremacism other than white supremacism with them. no way josé. they're not having any of it and as such I see them as much of a problem as the fascists ultimately. Enough of the leftist intellectuals have dodgy establishment links anyway for sure. Having said that I'd rather hang with them than their right wing alter ego any day of the week - they usually are more intelligent for one thing.

There is no more room for discourse across the "barricades" in the philosophy here on either "side" and that is a major drawback because it mantains the polemicism ad infinitum.
I still speak vocal of what I think nevertheless, if asked or a conversation swings that way. I haven't been cluted by a left winger thinking me a "anti-semite" as yet but I expect it to happen some day.
There's an anti-german club not far off that bans people wearing palestinian scarves and the "anti-germans" are more or less synonymous with the anti-fa. Can you believe that shit?? They got their priorities all fucked up because of some quasi-guilt complex they are instilled with at school imho. My child is german by birth but I'm fucked if I'm going to let the state here give him some subconcious guilt complex in the guise of post war sociological enlightenment.
Hey, it's jus tthe way I see it personally. It's just an opinion,,don't just take my word on it as that being the way it is.. ( as if you would L0L;))

peAce

nik

edit) the white shoelaces thing is for boots though not sneakers...

[FlungPup]

Cultural underground is the new market place.

[psilocybin]

For the record... The U.S. is on the forefront of craft beer production, with many companies other than anheuser-busch producing all kinds of beer.

I guess 1-3 are legit.

Seriously though what the fuck did that e-mail achieve? It wasn't even mildly entertaining.

[Guest]

it's just upper middle class public school nonsense. Cleese is obviously well past it in terms of being funny. All that god save the queen bollock isnt even ironic - he's just reinforcing an oudated image of the UK that actually only references the overly priviledged sector of the society anyway...and being a twat. It's a shame, he was out there and funny in the footage from when he was younger before he went back into the establishment.

At least Spike Milligan and Peter Cook never lost it

[psilocybin]

I love the word twat.

[shZ]

I'm not even British and I got a good chuckle out of it :tongue:.

Quote:I love the word twat.

LOL, where did that come from?

[Guest]

Quote:I love the word twat.

L0L yeah me too

[Guest]

Quote:I'm not even British and I got a good chuckle out of it :tongue: .

Quote:I love the word twat.

LOL, where did that come from?

tbh shZ it probably helps not being british to find that toffstyle bs funny. L0L self deprecating comedy is one thing ...but that wasnt it. andthe "god save the queen" line again. jeeezus, Cleese may as well have been in a cryogenic tank since the 1970's if he thinks that's still funny. It's about as in touch with modern britain as the bayeaux tapestry

The SeXpistoLS had the last word on that phrase anyway as far as I see it.. hehe
"god save the queen - the fascist regime"

you should really check out peter cook if you think that poor effort from cleese was funny;)

[Archie1970]

Quote:At least Spike Milligan and Peter Cook never lost it

I take it you mean their skill rather than their sanity?

haha